Psalms of Nat

Today was the first time where I prayed for kids in a ministering session in my capacity as a leader. I was scared and excited. I have never done it before, and I didn’t know what to expect. After I was done, I scooted to the back of the auditorium. I was so unsure. But then, I felt the Holy Spirit, it was like a hug. It’s okay, Nat.

And now I realised, even if I didn’t really  feel some awesome “holy” moment, it didn’t mean that nothing happened. Something I’ve learnt, God doesn’t always razzle and dazzle. When it comes to me, it is always simple. Not fireworks, but the warm, steady flame of a fire. It’s not me, how well I prayed, how confident I felt, but God working through me for these kids. They are so precious. Even when they make me sometimes feel like never having my own kids, I feel so much love for them. How much more is God’s unfaltering love? 

I’m super stressed out. Serving commitments, having fun during spring break and 2500 word essay due Monday. 

K told me this: Stress does nothing for your assignments. 

That is true. Daddy God, help me to see your grace and strength even in crazy times. Help me to see that if You chose to have 24 hours in a day, You know that it is more than enough for me. 

I met P a few months back. Meeting him was like looking into a mirror, and seeing a part of me I had ignored. You see, P, like me was born with a cleft lip. 

I had never summoned the courage to talk to P about it. I wanted to, but I never felt we were close enough to talk about something potentially sensitive. P was the one who brought it up one day.

We talked about operations, my phobia of female dentists, growing up and stuff. He said that he learnt to laugh at himself. I wasn’t sure about that. I was glad it worked for him, but while I will learn to take things lightly, I’d wouldn’t want to laugh at something that matters to me. 

As I spoke to P, my charmed childhood became apparent. Yes, it’s not perfect and I am a little damaged. But it was nothing compared to what P and other kids like me faced. I got off lightly, or rather, I never had a jibe because of my condition. Sure I was bullied and made fun of for other matters, but the people I grew up with was more politically correct. 

I feel blessed, because I don’t deserve this. I should be teased, mocked and rejected. I wasn’t. Why? Because what is grace, if not for the undeserving? I don’t know why P’s childhood was that way, but everything happens for a reason. 

P is an awesome man of God. He has come along way. Maybe one day, with the gift of hindsight, we’d look back at all the trials we faced. Maybe that day we would realised that God has used everything for good and use that to shape us for the success we have today. 

Your past, your damage is nothing compared to what God can do for you and what you can become. Forget about the past tense, and live in the present. 

I was skinny. People laughed at me for being skinny. So I ate. And ate. And ate.

People laughed at me for being fat. And then I realised that no matter how I looked, someone will always say something. 

I am always going to be too skinny, too fat, too tall, too short, too curvy, too lanky, too hairless, too hairy, too tanned, too fair, too dull, too bright. 

It is tiring and meaningless to fit into someone’s ideal of beauty. Face it. There are thousands and thousands of different definitions of what beauty is. It is impossible to try and fit into every mould. 

Your body cannot take it. Your soul cannot take it. 

We need to need to see ourselves as the definition of beauty. Not what the media says. Not what our friends says. Not what our mothers says.

God says that He made us beautiful. And if God, the most powerful being in the universe, said that, surely His words have weight. 

We need to know that just because we think that some other girl is beautiful, it doesn’t make us any less beautiful standing next to her. 

We need to know that just because today is a bad hair day, it doesn’t make us any less beautiful than good hair days. 

Darling, you don’t need me, a boy, girlfriends or a modelling agency to tell you that you are beautiful. You ARE beautiful. Please believe that. You are never going to fit into an ideal form, because there isn’t one. Forget about it. Love you and be you. 

freedomreigns:

racham:

whyonlythree:

“Do not awaken or arouse love until it so desires.” Song of Songs

As a Christian teenager who attends church and grew up in a stable home, one of the most common things I hear from adults is to save sex for marriage. When I went through the little purity course, I made up my mind to save my first kiss as well. I’ve stayed true so far, and generally have made respectable decisions in dealing with guys.

However, there’s a topic that the sex education and Love Can Wait courses have skipped. Its called emotional virginity.

Studies been proven that men are more inclined to the physical side of a relationship, while women are emotional. We are told countless times to keep our hands off each other until marriage. But who saves us from giving too much of our hearts away? How far is too far when it comes to our emotions?

When my attraction to boys first flared, I was sure to tell them I was a good girl. There would be nothing more than hand holding in our relationship. But when it came to texting late at night and spilling out my heart to them, I had no boundaries. I gave too much away too quickly. And when the relationship ended, I returned defeated, my gown still white as snow. But my heart was dashed to pieces because I had given it away too quickly.

I have come to believe that, since girls are more emotionally involved in a relationship than men, they run a larger risk of giving away too much of their emotional virginity. I believe I have invested too much into multiple relationships. Love I gave that I can never give back. In the same way that my friends can’t take their actions back.

Another thing: While boys look at pornography to fill their void, girls turn to chick flicks and Nicholas Spark novels. While I believe its ok to watch or read these works with caution, I also believe its a sin to use these things as some sort of catalyst for our emptiness. Its emotional pornography, and its tearing us apart. These things of the world cant satisfy our wanting to be wanted. Turn to Jesus, daughters of God, and be filled.

These thoughts have been formulating in my head just recently. Its time I pinned them down and started seriously meditating on this.

Begin discussion.

This sort of area keeps springing up on my dashboard when I so happen to be on, browsing. What’s the Lord trying to tell me? Anyway, give it a read. You shall be blessed. 

Something to always keep in mind.

Something that has been on my mind for a long time. As girls it is really easy for us to connect with a person emotionally and give pieces of our heart away unknowingly. This is not just in love, but also in friendships. I guess, that is why sometimes I stubbornly insist of having a proper foundation of friendship before going all BFF. This is why sometimes I rather be by myself than engage in superficial friendships. And even in areas of love, this is where I struggle to put my foot down and say “stop talking to him, Nat”.

But it’s not really just about me and self-effort. God has been helping me. And I thank God for the BFFs who share my heart.

Today I had the mother of all bad days. Ok, I exaggerate. It could have been worse. But well, my day was pretty bad.

I was having breakfast, folding laundry and listening to Josh Thomas’ podcast. This was probably a bad idea given my lack of hand-eye coordination. I don’t remember exactly how or what happened. I just remembered me going to my desk, knocking over my tumbler of tea onto my laptop, and me hastily wiping it with the clean shirt I was folding. 

I was late for uni, so after blowdrying it, I ran off. When I came back, I realised that the second last row of my keyboard couldn’t work. This meant that I could not log in to my laptop, since my user account name is Natalie. No “N” means I can’t type in my user name. How I wished my name way Sally or something that need not require the use of “Z, X, C, V, B, N or M”. 

Anyway, N, R and J gave me advice on external keyboards. So I managed to get one and backed up all my data. I was chatting on N online, when I decided to go make dinner. I went down to the common kitchen to use the oven, when I came back, my laptop had died. 

When I turned it on, it showed the start up screen before fading to black. I was so upset. J was asking me about the problem and helping me to troubleshoot over whatsapp. My oven timer rang, and I left to collect my food. I was still whatsapping J as I left my room. Only when I wanted to use the lift and I realised that I did not have my swipe card. I had locked myself in. Great.

So cost of laptop + lockout fee. And I have to wait till 9pm for the locksmith to come. Then I remembered - THE OVEN. I was going to burn the whole building down. Great. I went to knock on my neighbours’ doors. No-one was home. I tried calling my other friends in the building. No-one. 

So I went downstairs and tried to figure out how to call security. And I figured that I’ll wait for someone to let me up to the kitchen level. Thank God, L and K replied. I managed to call Security with L’s instructions. And K let me into her room. She had a dinner to go to, but at least she let me stay in her room while she was gone.

I thank God for awesome friends like N, J, K, L and R. And for parents who while scolded me for foolishness and told me not to cry, also told me not to worry about the money for replacing a new laptop and the locksmith fee. 

Well, bad things happen. I’ve learnt never to let that cloud my whole perspective. I was so caught up with my laptop that I forgot about my key (it was hanging on my door knob. Impossible to miss). God will make my mistakes work out for good.

My joy won’t be robbed.