Psalms of Nat

If this is the year of unceasing fruitfulness, where are my fruits?

Why am I struggling at work? Why am I barely surviving?

Then a sudden realisation (God, maybe?) hit me.

My struggles at work were unending. Every time I seem to be coping with the current workload, more comes it. There are days where I feel like pulling the plug off my computer, march into my editor’s office to tell him that I am clearing all 28 days of my annual leave this instant.

But yet, I fall to see a pattern. With each wave of struggles, there is a fresh wave of grace and strength. As endless my work was, even more endless was God’s provision.

I didn’t have to despair and be all impulsive. I could just call on God for help. And even as I ask for help, I am thanking Him for His unceasing love and grace.

Life is not meant to be easy. Grace is not magic for a cushy life. Just because we are fruitful, our lives aren’t a magical bed of roses. All that will come in heaven.

But what we have on earth now is comfort and help from God. He promised He will always be there.

And I guess even though I feel like I am drowning, I don’t feel so tired and stressed. I know that God is helping me through. And I feel so thankful, because I am undeserving of it all.

I believe that the act of grace is a touch of love. 

I have this innate ability to mess things up. I’m also anal, obsessively worried and get stressed easily. Add all these things together and I am a walking recipe for disaster. It is a miracle that I am alive today.

For the past few days, I have been in a bit of a pickle. Unsure how to resolve a sticky issue so as to remain status quo. I tried avoiding it and then lying about it. 

Well, the problem clung onto me like a shadow, adding unneeded stress into my already stressed up life. 

And then today, I received a text. And without doing much, my issue was resolved. Not in the most ideal way, but given the mess I had created, it was a relief. 

There, I just felt so loved. So loved because there is always grace for a sinner, grace for a destroyer.

If there was ever a moment where I felt like my hands were turning everything into dung, this was it. Messed up at work, messed up in church, going to mess up other parts of my life soon too? 

But God came and loved me. He met me where I was fallen and gave me a way out. Where pride and self-effort tried to conquer, Grace won. 

It was this grace - a non-judging mercy that made me never want to live my life my way. Of course, God and I know that will never happen in an instant. But each day, I’m slowly making a decision to have less of me and more of God. 

Not that I am no longer an individual, but rather to not obsessively be an adult and fix my life with what little knowledge I have. God is my daddy, and I can just be a kid and chill. 

And it was then when I truly understand that grace is not a license to sin. It makes you unable to sin. How can I when I have experienced such love and acceptance? And this confrontation doesn’t drive me to despair, but rather gives me hope, because I know that I have my Daddy God on my side.